The Children

(I have changed the names of everyone to protect the identity of all involved.)

The Children

Lucy, my first child, born 29^th July 2009, weighing 8lb 4oz. I’m not afraid to admit, I was so overwhelmed with joy, I wept when I saw her for the first time.  

My wife, Danni lay on the bed, exhausted from what looked like an excruciating experience. I felt useless watching her go through that when all I could do was cry like a little girl.

When all the turmoil, mood swings and 3am drives to the shop to satisfy the weird cravings during pregnancy had ended, you get to hold this little miracle in you’re arms and it makes it all worthwhile. My life changed in that moment in a profound way. Becoming a father changed me in ways I couldn’t imagine. Things that used to seem important to me, no longer mattered and for the first time I knew what unconditional love really meant and I swapped pints for dirty nappies and clubbing for 4am feeds and I couldn’t be happier.

Penny was my second child, born 14^th October 2010 weighing 8lb 8oz, again I had to watch my wife go through what looked like the most excruating pain imaginable and again I wept with joy as I held my baby girl for the first time, these are the magical moments.

My third child, Mat was born 21^st January 2012 weighing a whooping 9lb 7oz. He was the son I’d craved since I discovered Danni pregnant. I cried so hard the midwife asked if I was ok. I’m not ashamed of crying at these events, bringing new life in to the world, truly is a miracle.

The early years weren’t easy. There’s no manual to follow. No definitive guide, and don’t even mention the sleepless nights. Sleep deprivation does strange thing to a man’s mind.

When it was all said and done these were amongst the happiest days of my life. It was exciting and terrifying all at once. These babies would be dependent on me and Danni for absolutely everything.

As I looked on at the path set before me, I had never envisioned that one day I would be cut from their lives,  discarded like a dirty, old rag . I wasn't thinking about what would happen if Danni and I split, what my rights were or the sleepless nights worrying how I’m going to afford this week’s child support.

Nobody does, nobody’s that paranoid.

As the kids grew, I made mistakes. I’m not perfect and I’m yet to meet anyone who is, but we muddled through and coped the best we could. Just like every other parent.  

The first time I felt like I was a fully-fledged dad was when I was changing a dirty nappy for the very first time. Man, did that thing stink! I had no idea such a horrible substance could come out my beautiful, little angel. It was at that moment I realised being a father was a very messy business. Not only do you have to contend with the horrible black goo that has somehow gotten all the way up to her hair (something that still baffles me) but they don’t keep still!

I swear, they did this on purpose, they don’t wriggle around like this for their mothers, do they? If they do, the mothers are amazing at making it look easy.

Luckily or unluckily depending on your point of view, it doesn’t last forever and soon you have walking, talking whirlwinds or in my case three of them whipping round the house. Don’t bother tidying up,  the mess will be back as soon as you turn around so let them have there fun.

I love my kids with all my heart but I really started to appreciate the odd moment you get when they’re all in bed and you can finally relax with a glass of wine or a beer, or more likely fall asleep on the couch because they’ve worn you out.

One of my fondest memories with the children was when I took them up to Hardcastle Crag. It is absolutely beautiful (if you ever get the chance to go, have a look for yourself, you’ll not be disappointed.) We just spent the day wandering around, the kids had the chance to run free and that’s exactly what they did and with no phone signal out there, no-one could bother us.

We had a fantastic day and the kids loved it. Climbing trees and hoping across stepping stones in the river. Not a computer or phone in sight and in these moments we can truly appreciate the simple things in life.

Little did I know what horrors and heartbreak would be waiting for me just around the corner and the ensuing fight I would be having with Danni, just a little more than 12 months later.

Everyday that I’m kept apart from my children kills a small part of me. It's not just me who is being denied but the kids too. I believe children need their fathers as much as fathers need their children.

I feel like a part of me will be forever missing without my children in my life. It’s like having a wound that never heals, even remotely.

Introduction

What I’m about to share is the heartbreak I had to endure the day I was told, “you cannot see your children.”

That short sentence was a dagger through my heart and lead to a pain that cannot be compared to anything I’ve ever felt.

For anyone reading this, if you have children, please for their sake, put your petty issues aside and put the them first. If you are using them to punish your ex, you are punishing your children too.

Whatever caused your relationship to break down, it has nothing to do with your children and it certainly isn’t their fault.

When or if your ex-partner meets someone, they will want their kids to be apart of that new relationship. Coming to terms with a third party being an influence on your child/children is something you must deal with sensibly and maturely, as difficult as it may be. Just because your ex-partner has moved on with someone else is not a valid excuse to sever contact between them and their children. 

Getting a divorce can be difficult enough on the children without having someone important ripped from their lives.

When this had happened to me, it didn’t take long for my children to become strangers. 

There is not a day goes by that this doesn't way heavy on me, please don't let this happen to you too. 

I have watched many videos and read blogs about other fathers, who may not be the most perfect dads but love and miss their children, and are desperate. Desperate to help fix the breakdown in their relationships and just to spend a moment with their kids. One story was especially heart breaking, where a father had actually given up hope of seeing their children again. It tells a story of a broken man  on the verge of suicide after giving up all hope. 

These stories serve as both inspiration and despair in one fell swoop.

Never give up hope, hope is all you have.

I’ve heard guys talk about a crossroads when it comes to fighting for your children.

Imagine you are standing in the middle of a crossroads, there’s four roads you can take. None of which are particularly appealing, but you must choose, you can’t stay there forever or your options will be taken away.

The 1st road leads to the fight of your life you will spend the rest of your days fighting your ex-partner. Fighting their friends, there family, and a system that seems intent on keeping fathers down.

The 2^nd  is to cut and run. Cut your losses, admit defeat and try as best as you can to lead some sort of normal life. This is not as easy as it may seem. You never see you kids grow up. Your ex has the next X amount of years to turn the kids against you and there’s every chance your kids will suffer as a result and grow up only knowing hate.

The 3^rd road is violence. Personally, I don't think this is  something you should even contemplate, and something I definitely DO NOT endorse. Going through what I am now though I can see why some may act out. The frustration and anger you can feel towards someone that keeps you away from your children can be too much to cope with.

The 4^th and final road is suicide. Again, I don't feel this is an option. I admit I have felt this way in the past. When the 1st road sometimes feels too overbearing and hopeless.  Some say it’s the cowards way out, others sympathise. Suicide is a very permanent solution for a temporary problem. But I get it, when you're so down, you don't see a way out, and every day seems like a torture you can no longer bear. Knowing they're out there and not being able to be apart of their lives. 

I have read and heard many stories, some joyful, some not so much. I can only hope mine ends in tears of joy. 

This blog will be updated as my story unfolds and I hope it can provide some kind of guidance or hope to someone else.