(I have changed the names of everyone to protect the identity of all involved.)
The Children
Lucy, my first child, born 29th July 2009, weighing 8lb 4oz. I’m not afraid to admit, I was so overwhelmed with joy, I wept when I saw her for the first time.
My wife, Danni lay on the bed, exhausted from what looked like an excruciating experience. I felt useless watching her go through that when all I could do was cry like a little girl.
When all the turmoil, mood swings and 3am drives to the shop to satisfy the weird cravings during pregnancy had ended, you get to hold this little miracle in you’re arms and it makes it all worthwhile. My life changed in that moment in a profound way. Becoming a father changed me in ways I couldn’t imagine. Things that used to seem important to me, no longer mattered and for the first time I knew what unconditional love really meant and I swapped pints for dirty nappies and clubbing for 4am feeds and I couldn’t be happier.
Penny was my second child, born 14th October 2010 weighing 8lb 8oz, again I had to watch my wife go through what looked like the most excruating pain imaginable and again I wept with joy as I held my baby girl for the first time, these are the magical moments.
My third child, Mat was born 21st January 2012 weighing a whooping 9lb 7oz. He was the son I’d craved since I discovered Danni pregnant. I cried so hard the midwife asked if I was ok. I’m not ashamed of crying at these events, bringing new life in to the world, truly is a miracle.
The early years weren’t easy. There’s no manual to follow. No definitive guide, and don’t even mention the sleepless nights. Sleep deprivation does strange thing to a man’s mind.
When it was all said and done these were amongst the happiest days of my life. It was exciting and terrifying all at once. These babies would be dependent on me and Danni for absolutely everything.
As I looked on at the path set before me, I had never envisioned that one day I would be cut from their lives, discarded like a dirty, old rag . I wasn't thinking about what would happen if Danni and I split, what my rights were or the sleepless nights worrying how I’m going to afford this week’s child support.
Nobody does, nobody’s that paranoid.
As the kids grew, I made mistakes. I’m not perfect and I’m yet to meet anyone who is, but we muddled through and coped the best we could. Just like every other parent.
The first time I felt like I was a fully-fledged dad was when I was changing a dirty nappy for the very first time. Man, did that thing stink! I had no idea such a horrible substance could come out my beautiful, little angel. It was at that moment I realised being a father was a very messy business. Not only do you have to contend with the horrible black goo that has somehow gotten all the way up to her hair (something that still baffles me) but they don’t keep still!
I swear, they did this on purpose, they don’t wriggle around like this for their mothers, do they? If they do, the mothers are amazing at making it look easy.
Luckily or unluckily depending on your point of view, it doesn’t last forever and soon you have walking, talking whirlwinds or in my case three of them whipping round the house. Don’t bother tidying up, the mess will be back as soon as you turn around so let them have there fun.
I love my kids with all my heart but I really started to appreciate the odd moment you get when they’re all in bed and you can finally relax with a glass of wine or a beer, or more likely fall asleep on the couch because they’ve worn you out.
One of my fondest memories with the children was when I took them up to Hardcastle Crag. It is absolutely beautiful (if you ever get the chance to go, have a look for yourself, you’ll not be disappointed.) We just spent the day wandering around, the kids had the chance to run free and that’s exactly what they did and with no phone signal out there, no-one could bother us.
We had a fantastic day and the kids loved it. Climbing trees and hoping across stepping stones in the river. Not a computer or phone in sight and in these moments we can truly appreciate the simple things in life.
Little did I know what horrors and heartbreak would be waiting for me just around the corner and the ensuing fight I would be having with Danni, just a little more than 12 months later.
Everyday that I’m kept apart from my children kills a small part of me. It's not just me who is being denied but the kids too. I believe children need their fathers as much as fathers need their children.
I feel like a part of me will be forever missing without my children in my life. It’s like having a wound that never heals, even remotely.
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